Going at the Flag

By Joey Shoen

Last weekend, I had the privilege of going to Flagstaff to help referee games for the NAU Basketball Team Camp. I will be attending NAU in the fall and will be a Graduate Assistant under head coach Mike “Ace” Adras, a close family friend. I figured that going up there a couple of months early would be a good way to make a little money and meet some of the players and staff. I had a blast, but I also ran into a few bumps along the road. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights of my trip:

HIGHLIGHTS

1. The Squad

I couldn’t have been treated better by the members of the basketball program. Ace allowed me to stay at his house and even microwaved me a wonderful pork chop/hamburger meal on my last night in town. Will and Jay, the assistant coaches, were more than willing to help whenever I had questions during the day and got me tanked at night. Jay didn’t even seem to take it personally when I called him Tony for the first 24 hours I met him, although he was much more responsive to me when he knew who I was talking to. The six or seven players from the team were all great guys and made me feel like a part of the group. One of them even told me that I had “swag”, to which I responded “Bitch you betta recognize!” (Alright, we’re not that tight yet, but the swag thing is actually true). It was a far cry from my interactions with the members of the USD hoops team, which were few and far between. With the exception of a few friends I had on the Torero roster, all the other guys walked around campus with a serious chip on their shoulder. I mean I can understand being pissed that our 17-point loss to Pepperdine wasn’t the lead on Sportscenter, but when you’re 6-24, you should be kissing the diving team’s asses.

2. Raz-Ball

I had heard myths about Flagstaff, but I had to see it to believe it- there was actually a school from an Indian reservation that brought both a varsity and a JV team down. They weren’t half bad, either. The varsity team was coached by a 5’10”, 300 lb man in his sixties and the JV was headed by his wife and one of her co-stars on The Real Housewives of the Navajo Empire. I wasn’t sure how authentic these teams were until the varsity coach yelled at his small forward Tiger Lips for not getting back on defense. True story. For the first day, I couldn’t figure out why they spent the twenty minutes before each game huddled around a tree outside the gym, but then I realized they were looking to Grandmother Willow for advice. Not a true story.

3. Flagstaff Nightlife

I was pleasantly surprised by the bar scene in downtown Flagstaff. There were four or five bars along one street that were packed on both Friday and Saturday nights even without school being in session. It will never be Mission Beach, but then again it’s not like I had a ton of success pulling chicks out there. I’m ready for a change! “Mom, I’d like you to meet my future wife, Dances With Tiger Lips.”

4. Cute Team Moms

Now I refereed each and every game with complete integrity, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get to know some of the fans in the stands a little better than others. Were they perhaps more attractive than the ones I refrained from introducing myself to? Maybe, but I was a busy man and couldn’t have possibly gotten to know the entire city of Flagstaff. Were some of my calls influenced a little bit if I was standing on the side of the court closest to them? Not that it’s any of your business, but, yes. It’s summer basketball for crying out loud, and raising a young hoopster on your own is not something any mother should have to go through. I’m a giver damnit.

Lowlights

1. My Weekend Nickname

By the time I got to Flagstaff, it had been awhile since I had visited my local Supercuts and my hair was getting a little long. I also didn’t have time to dust off the L.A. Looks and get my ‘do looking fresh, so I wasn’t looking my best. An assistant coach from Prescott High School decided on the first day that he should point out to Ace and I that I looked “exactly” like Conan O’ Brien. Never mind the fact his varsity and JV teams went a combined 0-132 on the weekend and every player on his team looked like the kid from Two and a Half Men, because why would a coach worry about that? No, he’s playing the look-a-like game while his starting point guard and center are reading Twilight in their pregame layup lines. Ace thought this was hilarious and proceeded to tell practically everyone in the camp, including his assistant coaches and players. They pulled up a picture of Conan on their computer, and they all thought the coach was dead on. I was Conan for the next three days. Let me tell you two things: 1. I am a little sensitive to the whole “Conan” thing. I have been likened to him once before, and it was by a 78-year-old woman in a jacuzzi. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now. 2. I am much, much cuter than Conan O’Brien. My mom even says so, and for most of the players on the Prescott team, so did their mothers.

2. Hangovers

Like most warm-blooded Americans not named Jimmer, I like to enjoy a few cocktails every once in a while. On a Friday night in Flagstaff as my ability to handle said cocktails is being questioned by an assistant coach from Albuquerque, it is my duty to defend my family’s honor and get shithoused. Mission accomplished. Unfortunately, I’m used to sleeping in way past Regis and Kelly after a night of drinking. That was not an option last weekend, and I quickly realized how loud your own whistle can be at 8 AM the next morning. After working until 9:30 at night on Saturday on three hours of sleep, I naturally made the wise decision to do it all again. This is where the surprisingly fun Flagstaff bar scene was both a blessing and a curse. Luckily, Sunday we only worked half-day and I was able to catch a loose ball off my nose in the first half of the first game to wake me up. I have slept an average of 13.5 hours a night since.

3. Finding a Cab in Flagstaff

I previously mentioned that sleep was definitely at a premium during my three nights in beautiful northern Arizona. However, I probably would have been a little more rested if there were more than four cabs in the entire city. Flagstaff is about the size of a large shopping mall, and there are hundreds of people leaving the bars on the ONE AND ONLY STREET DOWNTOWN after last call. You would think somebody might be able to “flag” a Flagstaff cab in less than an hour. Not so much. They barely even drove by, and the ones that did refused to stop. One black coach that was out with us pointed out that, “Now you know how I feel.” Even though I was drunk, I had about a million comebacks running through my head, but I kept quiet. I’ll get my ass kicked another time.

4. Breaking Up a Fight in the Final Seconds of the Last Game

Just kidding, that was awesome. I almost pulled a Van Gundy.

As you can see, it was a very productive weekend. I banked over two hundred dollars, made some new friends, and got a nickname that can officially be retired following my recent haircut. These next two years are going to be fun, regardless of whether or not I am named president of the Prescott P.T.A.